Pastors’ wives have a unique role in the Church. We are not hired by our local church, but we often find ourselves serving alongside our husbands as if we were. I believe many members of the church see that through our involvement. On the other hand, they don’t see all the ways our husbands’ service impacts us and our families. Ladies, we have a choice. We can fight against these sometimes often unwanted additions to our daily lives and ever-growing list of responsibilities, or we can find ways to bless these men we married and serve in needed, yet unseen, ways. Are you ready to help you pastor husband in his calling?
How Are Pastors’ Wives Different Than Other Christian Wives?
What makes a pastors’ wife a, well, a pastors’ wife? Glad you asked. A pastor’s wife is married to a pastor…
We make life a lot harder for ourselves when we adopt the idea that we are not sinners saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8-9) growing more and more in Christlikeness through sanctification (Hebrews 10:14; 2 Peter 3:18; Philippians 1:6) just like everyone else in our churches.
Yes, obviously, our lives look different than many of the other women in our churches, but it isn’t that different. I often remind people that being a pastor’s wife is not my job. No one pays me to live with my husband as his wife. I’m not compensated by the church each time a church need interferes with my plans or requires me to help in unanticipated ways. I’m a Christian, a wife, and a mother. A lot of women in my church are those same things.
The biggest differences I see between women in church and pastors’ wives are:
1. Some people have unreasonable expectations for the pastor’s wife.
2. Pastors’ wives are on display much more than others. Our choices, ministry involvement, children, homemaking, etc. are much more public than most of us want as compared to other ladies.
Why do I say all this? Well, the list I’m about to share with you on how to help your pastor husband is applicable to all wives. However, pastors’ wives will probably need these reminders a little bit more. So, read on whether or not your husband is a pastor.
Helping Your Pastor Husband
A list about helping your pastor husband could be a list of ministry responsibilities. (Does anyone else feel like her organizational skills and pseudo-secretarial work keeps her husband’s ministry on track? It can’t just be me!) But I want to look at more practical helps. You know, the everyday, small things that add up to big things.
Help Your Pastor Husband #1: Allow Interruptions
Your husband has been locked away all day studying and preparing for a sermon. Meanwhile, you have cooked, cleaned, laundered, and homeschooled the kids. Everyone’s hungry for dinner, but you pushed it back so your husband could eat with the family.
Finally, you begin to bring the food to the table, and then his phone rings. He doesn’t answer it during meals, but he always checks it. Because dinner hasn’t been served yet, he answers it with every intention of making it quick. An hour later, dinner has been eaten and cleaned up, and he has just emerged from the other room.
It’s not much of a bother the first time this happens. After a dozen or so, though, you begin to wonder if people can sense your family sitting down to eat and purposefully call at those times. I mean, who calls at dinner, anyway?! As it turns out, everyone.
Interruptions throughout the day are a part of pastoral ministry. Don’t guilt him for it. It’s likely he feels bad for missing another meal or rescheduling a family activity…again.
Help your pastor husband by readily picking up the slack these interruptions often leave, and encourage him in whatever incident or emergency pulled him away.
Help Your Pastor Husband #2: Be Flexible
Flexibility is key to helping your pastor husband and to having a happy marriage.
The need to go with the flow may be small changes like dinner being an hour earlier or accommodating one more person at the dinner table. These usually aren’t so bad, but other times the flexibility required seems like it will break you.
Ministry is unpredictable by nature. A few things I’ve witnessed or experienced include suddenly losing a staff member, solid members angrily leaving the church, ministry plans being chucked and replaced at last minute, volunteers backing out of commitments, and pastors surprisingly being called to leave their current ministry (or being kicked out of the church).
My two cents? Don’t hold onto anything too tightly other than God. He is unchanging and unfailingly keeps His word, but everything else is apt to change. Your husband is no better off having a wife who flies off the handle any time things don’t go as planned. Don’t be a robot about it and stifle all your feelings, but have confidence in you husband’s leadership and ability to navigate the situation. He needs you in his corner.
Help Your Pastor Husband #3: Have Thick Skin
As I mentioned, pastors’ wives are public figures in their churches. Being set apart from the group can make you feel special and appreciated, but more often than not it puts a target on your back. Everyone has an opinion about you. Your clothing, makeup, involvement, children, parenting, and spiritual condition are all open to comment in some people’s opinions. You’ll hear about it. And it will hurt.
Moreover, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be like the previous pastor’s wife. And there’s bound to be someone around who won’t ever let you forget it. “When Susie was here, she made beef and noodles for potluck.” “Susie never wore slacks.” “Susie’s kids were angels on Earth.” You will be tempted to try to mold yourself to Susie of yesteryear, but God didn’t make you the previous pastor’s wife. He made you – YOU.
Some members will also feel inclined to complain to you about the pastor or better said, your husband. You might want to punch this person square in the jaw, but I’m here to go on record as telling you that is a bad idea.
You can listen if you choose, walk away from the conversation, or encourage the individual to go directly to your husband with complaints and concerns. No matter what you do, however, it can really hurt.
Church Hurts
Church hurts are real, but you need to expect more than your fair share of them as a pastor’s wife. I won’t discourage you from sharing your hurts with your husband, but I will ask you to consider if the hurt is even worth that much thought. Some things can be laughed at or pushed aside.
Your husband will feel hurts, too, and an overly sensitive wife won’t help him deal with his hurts. Instead, he’ll feel more responsibility to protect you from anything unpleasant. Let’s be honest, that is a full-time job in and of itself.
Be quick to forgive others, offer grace as much as possible, and lean on the Lord in all things. If you do those things, the little hurts and annoyances won’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
Help Your Pastor Husband #4: Be A Vault
I think we all understand that gossip is a sin, but the bar is even higher when you’re a pastor’s wife. In all likelihood, you are privy to more information than most others in your church.
You will overhear things that were never meant for your ears. Other times, your husband will need to tell you something that is meant for your ears only. Also, there will be church members who seek you out for counsel and comfort. It’s doubtful that they’ll ask you to keep it between the two of you because it will be assumed that you will. No matter the circ*mstance, keep your lips zipped.
This sounds easy, but slipping up and divulging more than you should is even easier. We can accidently say too much when we offer comfort to someone, request prayer, or let our guard down with our friends. The damage we cause, however, when we share what we shouldn’t can be severe. Church members may see us as gossips and two-faced. Not to mention, our own husbands may not trust us as confidantes any longer. Remember, when you have a bad reputation at church, it affects how your husband is seen, too.
Help your pastor husband (and the church’s overall ministry) by keeping things that are not necessary to share inside your vault.
Help Your Pastor Husband #5: Be A Safe Place For Him
My husband has been the pastor of three churches while we have been married. In that time, I have seen him walk into meetings and make phone calls with dread. He understood in those particular situations that the conversation he was about to have was not going to be welcome. Pastors frequently have to face hard things head-on, and all too often others are not happy to hear it. But they are happy to make their feelings known.
I used to be surprised at the candid and thoughtless things people say to pastors. Oh, and the timing is often the absolute worst. Can I just suggest to everyone that bad news immediately before a pastor preaches is never the right timing? Our husbands bear the brunt of complaints, grumbling, disagreements, hurtful words, and unbiblical judgment. And that’s the last thing they need at home from us.
Let’s help our pastor husbands by offering them grace, refraining from petty complaints and disputes, and offering a place where they know they will always receive acceptance and love. Every pastor needs a place he can feel safe to let his guard down and be vulnerable. Shouldn’t that place be at home with his wife?
Help Your Pastor Husband #6: Have Your Own Spiritual Life
Husbands are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the home (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22-33), and pastors are tasked with leading in the home and shepherding the church body, as well. This is an immense responsibility that a pastor should take very seriously. Nonetheless, he shouldn’t expect to need to spoon-feed his wife the Word.
One of the bests ways to help you pastor husband is to be independently pursuing Jesus. I don’t mean you ought to exclude your husband from your spiritual life, but you shouldn’t depend on him in order to grow in Christ, either. Read Scripture, pray, study the Word, and minister to others with him and without him.
Pastors need wives who are spiritually-minded and ready to serve. What they don’t need is a spiritually flabby wife who is waiting around for him to teach her what she needs to know. Pastor’s wife, you have all you need to spiritually grow. You have the Bible, a church, the internet, (probably) your husband’s library, and the Holy Spirit. Your husband is already trying to balance more responsibilities than ideal without having to micromanage your spiritual life.
So, help him by having specific questions about something you’re reading or bring up edifying conversation topics in which you two can engage over dinner. Don’t make him teach your everything. Instead, seek to be his partner in life and ministry rather than his constant pupil.
Final Thought
My husband bought me a travel mug a few years ago that simply delights me. It says, “first lady” on it. Those who know me understand that mug is a joke. I don’t see myself as a woman in any particularly special position. I always tell people, “I just happen to be married to the pastor.” And I mean it. But if I’m completely honest with myself, then I have to admit that I do have responsibilities and ministries that others don’t, specifically to my husband.
The person you marry strongly influences every area of your life. A pastor’s ministry can thrive or die based on the woman he married. No wife, pastor, or marriage is perfect, but a pastor can serve the local church much better when he knows his wife:
– is not bitter about ministry-related interruptions,
– is flexible as needs change,
– can take an emotional blow,
– is trustworthy with sensitive information,
– will offer earthly refuge from difficulties,
– and is growing in her walk with the Lord.
I have more to share on this topic in the future, but for now I’d love to know how you help your pastor husband!
Image courtesy of Taylor Hernandez via Unsplash.
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